I'm honestly sort of afraid of this break, because usually whenever I'm off of work I feel sort of worthless and have no real purpose or driving force in that moment. I can't really go out, so I just stay inside and do nothing really most of the time. Sorry if this makes me seem like a loser or something. I'm just not the type to go out without a real reason.

Dumb business stuff sounds lame, although I have been thinking about wanting a job… But, I have been feeling way happier! Goodbye, Lara has really cheered me up, and put a big bright smile on my face! And, I finished playing Sonic and the Secret Rings today, which I’ve been playing through all week! That game was fun, even if it was frustrating at times, mostly with my brother laughing during cutscenes, and complaining about how I was bad at the game… I kept a positive attitude regarding, and the story was really nice! I wish Sonic could solve my problems… The anime that I’ve recommended you watch were Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou, which you didn’t finish watching due to working, Kase-san and Morning Glories, and I think that’s it actually. You said once that you never finished Madoka Magica, so maybe you could try watching it again as well. Another favorite of mine is called Dear Brother, but it’s quite long. I’d recommend watching them in the original Japanese voices, but that’s just my preference. It’d feel weird to watch the English voices, to then hear the Japanese theme songs, and voice actor interviews, and all that stuff, especially with Goodbye, Lara. There’s a lot of behind the scenes stuff already…

It’s okay, it’s okay! I finished catching up on Goodbye, Lara last night and it’s my favorite anime, and my favorite show ever now! I’d recommend watching it especially since it’s ongoing! I spent two and a half hours this morning combing the internet for videos and fan art on the show. I really love it! https://dynasty-scans.com/images/39212?tag_id=32229 Ummm, I’d be okay with being called Mari if we were being intimate and lovey-dovey, but I prefer Marisa for having to talk like this, and for anything serious, like if you proposed to me… Do you talk when watching stuff? I like to stay completely quiet, even though it weirds everyone out… I only wanna hear the movie! Or show, or game cutscene, I take it one hundred percent serious! Umm, there’s more yuri I wanna send you… https://youtu.be/vwCxA0PKy84 https://safebooru.org/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=6555335 https://www.reddit.com/r/GoodbyeLara/comments/1v0vs4a/lara_maris_voice_actors_making_their_characters/ I think that’s it for now… Oh, I could still talk to you while drawing. I could even sit on your lap! ∩^ω^∩

I’m sorry, Rachel… I’m sorry for being formal, you prefer to be called by your nickname, Ray, right? I prefer my full first name. I don’t know what to say. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. I think if I ran away to you, I would just lock myself in your room, only going outside to use the bathroom, and to get a bit of sunlight in the morning. I want to lock myself away from everyone and do nothing but drawing, until I feel that I’m good enough to where I don’t have to do it constantly. I like that you’re just you. I feel so insecure with my femininity, making myself stereotypically girly, I might just be misogynistic to myself. Maybe I’d feel different about it if I could freely express myself. And I feel bad for wanting you to be butch, for lack of a better word. I still feel that I’m not very smart, and that I can be easily swayed in one direction. Yesterday morning I blindly agreed with some bad, mean spirited opinion in a YouTube short I saw. I felt so stupid minutes later when I read the comments and then actually thought about what I heard. And then I got a bad ending in the game a bought a few days ago, if even though I knew something felt weird about how the story was progressing and did nothing about it. If we lived together, I worry that we wouldn’t talk much. Not that we don’t have anything to talk about, but I usually spend me time watching videos or shows, it more applies to shows, I could watch more yuri anime and lesbian content in general if I lived with you, but I don’t like to be interrupted when watching something, or if someone tries talking to me. It causes my brain to immediately lose focus and I have a hard time enjoying it. I started watching one of the few new yuri anime that started airing in July, called Goodbye, Lara. I’ll be caught up on watching tonight, but during the opening credits of episode three, my brother asked “What are you watching?” and said nothing else and walked away, but in my mind I completely lost it and had to take deep breaths to regain focus on the show. Are you watching it? Have you watched the other anime shows that I’ve asked you to watch? I don’t mind if you haven’t, you’re usually busy with work, and I feel bad constantly telling you to watch this or that, despite that, I want you to watch this and that. Goodbye Lara has been a really cute show so far, and became an all time favorite after only two episodes. I wasn’t expecting to find Lara to be so relatable. I’d also recommend watching or reading Bloom Into You, because the main couple reminds me of us. I’m sorry for being all over the place mentally, with this conversation, and that I don’t know how to properly end my train of thoughts. I love you…

I guess, when I think of my past self, even a few weeks ago, I want to yell and scream at her. “Why would you do that? Why would you say that?” I don’t think I’m a very good person. There are criminals who are objectively bad, evil. I think I’m just below them. I’m just… rude. I realized it a few years ago, becoming self aware. Nothing changes, I realize, and then I make another mistake, or even the same one. It’s scary that the gross thoughts in my mind have been a constant since I was a little girl, really for as long as I can remember. I feel that I’m a failure of a child, and that I have brought more pain than joy to both of my parents. I feel that I’m a failure of a sister as well, constantly getting on my brother’s nerves, even when I’ve done nothing. I feel that I’m also a failure of a girlfriend, not showing enough interest into your life, being self centered at times, always taking initiative in conversations, and wanting you to be a certain way. I feel the want of running away to you, but the thought of putting my father, and the rest of my family in such anguish hurts to think about. But I don’t deserve a father so great, and he doesn’t deserve such a horrible, useless, child.

College starts in two weeks, I don’t feel prepared at all… I’m not very good at taking care of myself, and I can’t drive yet. I don’t know how to draw. There’s so much I want to do, draw, dance, sing, write, but I’m scared of trying or sharing these ideas with others, and I ended up wasting my time in high school out of fear. I find myself feeling depressed often and wanting to curl up in a fetal position and cry. I feel trapped inside this house, despite how great it truly is. I’m surrounded by everything I could ever want and yet I’m so miserable, I feel that I don’t deserve any of this. I feel selfish. I want to run away to be with you, but that would be selfish, and cause even more problems. I try to take things positively and to have an overall optimistic outlook, but on the inside I’m beyond crumbling to the ground. I don’t think I’ve changed as a person at all, I still find myself falling back on old bad habits and thoughts, confused and screaming at myself as I’m doing them. I have so much that I want to say and apologize for to the people around me and yet I keep my mouth shut and my true feelings bottled up, and stealing weird jokes from the internet to then repeat back as a defense mechanism. I feel that no matter what happens in the future, I’ll never be satisfied and make peace with myself and others.

We could cuddle like that anytime. https://safebooru.org/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=7037040 I’m really bad at not talking to you.

Same with me. There’s also a first person perspective version. https://xcancel.com/nomianims/status/1994324669021704262#m Some cute reimari as well. https://safebooru.org/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=7036598

So I can lean into “I-It’s not like I like you or anything! 0///0” now? https://xcancel.com/nomianims/status/1980071290112524656?lang=en Do you like this video? I like this video. We should kiss each other like that, whether it be you had a bad day at work, or I had a bad day drawing. It might be a nice thing to do.

Oh, I guess it’s just not with you, acting like that. I think I would’ve acted like that towards you if I wasn’t scared of you ending up with someone else. Instead I was a desperate freak, so maybe that was the better option, maybe we could’ve had actual conversations in our first few months, really our first year of being in a relationship. Tsunderes always have nice character designs, at least in the ones I’ve seen. https://safebooru.org/index.php?page=post&s=list&tags=es_%28xblaze%29 I like this character, I played as her in an arcade today. She’s really pretty. (I wish I looked like her.) I couldn’t find any good yuri art of her. Better yet, I played Pop’n Music as well. I’m terrible at the game but I love it. Half of my enjoyment comes from getting to play as Kirisame Marisa. You can play as Reimu as well.

Yeah, I should switch audio every few days instead of relying on one video. I’m awake now. Good morning, Ray. https://safebooru.org/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=7018826 Would you think of me as a “tsundere”? I would think of myself as a tsundere.

No, no, besides that. I feel sleepy while looking through it, then when I lay down, twenty minutes go by and I’m still awake.

Ah, that makes sense. https://safebooru.org/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=2206392 https://safebooru.org/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=5287974 https://safebooru.org/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=2777122 I’m having trouble falling back asleep…

I don’t think it’ll make the normal route impossible. I feel that it’d be too much to make you fully reset your game. https://dynasty-scans.com/images/39542?tag_id=5113

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=avBGOueMVvI&pp=ygUgV2VpcmQgUm91dGUgc2NlbmUgaW4gb3RoZXIgZ2FtZXM%3D&ra=m I didn’t play this scene myself, but I saw it online. I didn’t want to replay the game so soon, even if it was shorter, and I could start from Chapter 2. That sentence was too long. I can relate to what Noelle says. It’s cool to see it recreated in other games, and even shows. Lupin The 3rd Part 2 was a surprise. The Puyo Puyo 20th Anniversary one was my favorite.